It’s an undeniably important question (shush, it is). After all, trying to imagine the answer is basically why we watch horror movies in the first place – if you’re uncertain of the precise means by which you’re about to meet your maker, it’s got to make the whole deal a heck of a lot worse, right?

Take these gormless teens in the slasher flicks, for example: not one of them ever really seems sure of quite what’s about to go down until the very moment it leaps, slithers or swoops at them. Which is presumably why there’s always so much unseemly screaming going on, rather than the epic sarcastic comebacks we’d all rather be dishing out. Because it’s the not knowing part that’s truly scary, correct? Not the being-shredded-in-the-basement-by-some-slavering-manifestation-of-your-deepest-held-terrors part. Pfft, that’s kid’s stuff.

Well, we’ve no intention of shuffling off this mortal coil while squealing our lungs up like trapped hogs any longer. No sir. And now, armed with nothing more than our handy chart and your own initials, you needn’t either.

To get the jump on your hapless cackling assassin, simply match up the first letters of your name to each of the lists in the columns below. This will quickly reveal the exact method, location and perpetrator of your sickening demise, meaning that you too can look cooler than the other side of a pillow when you’re eventually being butchered by some terrifying celluloid night-stalker. Win!

Help us take a stand against the murderous forces of darkness – from here on in, we’re eye-rolling and fake-yawning all the way to hell. Forewarned is forearmed, as they say, so drop those initials into the chart and remove that pesky element of surprise once and for all…

AUTHOR

Eric the Lizard

Yes I'm a freaking lizard and I like Hawaiian shirts. If you have a problem with that you have Herpetophobia (google it dumb-ass). Catch my tweets @ericthelizard